Saturday, October 02, 2004

Where does Kerry stand on standing?

After grabbing my trusty machete, I decided to wade into the presidential debate transcript, hopefully to emerge alive at the other end with that elusive beast, Kerry’s position on Iraq, slung across my back in triumph.

It was a dangerous quest to be sure. Kerry’s words are a confusing house of mirrors and trapdoors, randomly shifting, and nearly impossible to navigate. I knew I would have to be on my guard.

Immediately, upon entering this Mirkwood of obfuscations and contradictions, I was confronted with that seemingly straight-forward monster of the lefts creation, echoed by Kerry in this statement, “We can't leave a failed Iraq. But that doesn't mean it wasn't a mistake of judgment to go there and take the focus off of Osama bin Laden. It was.” Iraq was a mistake! I lunged forward lustily to grab at this truth, earnestly manifested right before my eyes.

But then it immediately dissolved in my grasp, when Lehrer asked Kerry, “Are Americans now dying in Iraq for a mistake?” Kerry: “No, and they don't have to, providing we have the leadership that we put -- that I'm offering.”

So… not a mistake? That is, not a mistake as long as Kerry, the person who thinks the war IS a mistake, is leader? But if Bush, who thinks the war isn’t a mistake, is leader, then the war IS a mistake?

Ack… failing saving throw… my head hurts!

And why does Kerry think that the Bush’s unmistaken war is mistakenly a mistake? For two reasons, it appears (at least at first glance…):

1. We didn’t build a grand enough alliance.
2. The war shifted the focus away from Bin Laden.

These two don’t seem to go together very well… why should it matter how grand our alliance is if the war is taking the focus away from OBL?

Well, don’t concentrate on this for much longer, because the wall of illusions soon shifts to reveal a new path…

“Now, if you break it, you made a mistake. It's the wrong thing to do. But you own it. And then you've got to fix it and do something with it.”

Okay… the war was the wrong thing to do. It was a mistake. But we screwed things up so we gotta make them right.

Does you mean that we shoulda stayed in Vietnam and fixed things there to JFK? Or was that one of those slowly-walk-away-while-whistling-innocently ordeals? You know, let the commies take over and massacre the resistance as we withdraw troops?

How do you ask a man to be the last one to do for a mistake? Have Kerry as your leader, obviously.

But this is Iraq, not Vietnam. Who would bring up Vietnam in the context of this presidential race anyways? That’s just reopening the wounds of yesterday, and only a wound-reopener would do it. Back to the debate transcript. Allah knows it’s labyrinthine enough without cracking open “The Complete Works of JFK, revised, 89th edition.”

Now what we need are allies, specifically of the cheese-masticating surrendery kind. For reasons that should be obvious to anyone completely divorced from reality (but married to a rich African-American Ketchup heiress), the French and Germans will flock to America’s side once Kerry has assumed his rightful place as president.

[But of course, France won’t send troops no matter who’s president. And besides, France has openly stated that their real allies are the insurgents anyways, and they’ve even tried to invite them to their big surrender party. Yeah, and there’s the whole providing material aid to our enemies, and selling the people of Iraq out in favor of oil. Not to mention encouraging the genocide of the marsh arabs and lying to the US in the run up to the war. I don’t know why they wouldn’t help us on Iraq.]

I think I’m making some headway here. A position is coalescing. Kerry said, “I've had one position, one consistent position, that Saddam Hussein was a threat. There was a right way to disarm him and a wrong way. And the president chose the wrong way.” Yes, I have it!

The right way was to make allies with invisible friends and insist the war was a mistake even as we drove toward Baghdad! Of course! It’s the traditional leftist position: appease everyone, and I mean everyone, while at the same time insulting America, and saying her every action is a mistake.

Victory.

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