Friday, November 12, 2004

The existence of God... Now with updates!!!

In my freshman year, first semester, I read a little piece in Philosophy class called the Proslogion, by St. Anselm, where he laid out the Ontological argument for the existence of God. From this I found my favorite sentence.

You know, my favorite sentence. Why the puzzled look?

You mean you don’t have a favorite sentence? Wow, I’m embarrassed for both of us. I’m just gonna say the sentence now and leave it at that. But good luck with life and such. *cough* psycho *cough*

Anyways, the sentence:


Therefore, if that than which a greater cannot be thought can be thought not to exist, then that than which a greater cannot be thought is not that than which a greater cannot be thought; and this is a contradiction.
Yeah, it’s something alright. Wrap your head around that one.

But I have a simpler way to convince people that God exists. I tell them to look hard into the sky. To concentrate on the blueness and serenity of it all. To contemplate the complexity of the drifting clouds and simple chirp of the singing birds. And then I kick them in the groin. Like so... hoo-wah! If this was a world where God didn’t exist, there is no way I could have this much fun. End of story.

update: Plus UFO's. If God doesn't exist, then who made the UFO's? Humans? I don't think so. Don't be silly. Your being silly and you really shouldn't.

update 2: So you say you think aliens made the UFO's? Have you ever seen an Alien? How can you prove that these Aliens even exist? You just take it as an article of faith, don't you? That's why God exists: because you can't see aliens. I'm pretty sure this is in the bible, but I'll double check later.

update 3: Yeah, I was right. Psalm 81:9, "You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not bow down to an alien god." No alien gods, dude. That means no aliens. Game, set, match.

update 3 1/2: Man is my face red. According to the bible, 2 Chronicles 217, "Solomon took a census of all the aliens who were in Israel, after the census his father David had taken; and they were found to be 153,600." Dear lord, aliens do exist, 'cause the bible told me so! And not only do the exist, but they breed like rabbits, evidently.

update 3 3/4: And look... another passage. Wow. Does anyone even read the bible? I mean, look at Deuteronomy 28:43 "The alien who lives among you will rise above you higher and higher, but you will sink lower and lower."

Someone tell the Pentagon! The alien threat is imminent! They are the chosen race! The world is theirs! Humble and meek will inherit the world, my ass. That was just to get us to soften ourselves up for the coming alien coup.

I, for one, welcome our new rabbit overlords.

update 4: I have called the Pentagon. The operator answered the phone with "What's up doc!" I am currently stockpiling shotgun shells, bottled water, and back episodes of Sanford and Son.

update 4 1/2: If anyone has the episode where Sanford thinks he kills his neighbor when he accidentally discharges his old musket, could you hook me up? I mean, I would rather be nibbled to death by alien rabbits than go into my bunker without that episode. Am I right or what?

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