Friday, November 19, 2004

Who needs nukes when you've got lasers?

Plans by Iran to manufacture uranium metal suggest Tehran could have had ambitions to develop capacity for atomic arms production, Western diplomats and a prominent nuclear analyst said on Tuesday.

A report by the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), circulated on Monday, said Iran's stated purpose for uranium metal work -- to use it in its laser enrichment programme -- was "credible".

UN Inspector: Ah, what is this? Plans to manufacture uranium metal?

Iranian minder: Oh, that… we’re going to use that to make, um… lasers? Yeah, lasers. We, are like, SO going to have such an awesome laser. To laser stuff with. Yup.

Inspector: You don’t use uranium metal in lasers.

Minder: Oh yeah? Then what do you use to make a laser?

: *embarrassed silence* Um… uh… electro—uh—magne…lytes? Electromagnelytes? Do you use electromagnelytes?




Inspector: I just made that up. Electromagnelytes.


Inspector: They don’t exist, electromagnelytes. I really don’t know were that came from.


Inspector: Electromagnelytes.

Minder: Yeah, so anyways are you done yet? I’ve got places to go and stuff to do. Sixteen year old rape victims don’t hang themselves, you know.

Inspector: Yeah, I don’t know, I feel like I should kind of look around or something, you know? After all, I’ve only been here like 10 minutes, and I get paid by the hour, so… you got any big rooms, I could kind of like wander around in? I won’t be a bother.

Minder: No.

Inspector: No? Huh. Well, can I use your restroom?

Minder: No way man. The last time an inspector used a restroom he was in the stall for like six hours.

Inspector: I finally had to leave because my feet started turning black.


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