Friday, November 19, 2004

Who needs nukes when you've got lasers?

Reuters:
Plans by Iran to manufacture uranium metal suggest Tehran could have had ambitions to develop capacity for atomic arms production, Western diplomats and a prominent nuclear analyst said on Tuesday.

A report by the United Nations' International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), circulated on Monday, said Iran's stated purpose for uranium metal work -- to use it in its laser enrichment programme -- was "credible".


UN Inspector: Ah, what is this? Plans to manufacture uranium metal?

Iranian minder: Oh, that… we’re going to use that to make, um… lasers? Yeah, lasers. We, are like, SO going to have such an awesome laser. To laser stuff with. Yup.

Inspector: You don’t use uranium metal in lasers.

Minder: Oh yeah? Then what do you use to make a laser?

Inspector
: *embarrassed silence* Um… uh… electro—uh—magne…lytes? Electromagnelytes? Do you use electromagnelytes?

Minder:

Inspector:

Minder:

Inspector: I just made that up. Electromagnelytes.

Minder:

Inspector: They don’t exist, electromagnelytes. I really don’t know were that came from.

Minder:

Inspector: Electromagnelytes.

Minder: Yeah, so anyways are you done yet? I’ve got places to go and stuff to do. Sixteen year old rape victims don’t hang themselves, you know.

Inspector: Yeah, I don’t know, I feel like I should kind of look around or something, you know? After all, I’ve only been here like 10 minutes, and I get paid by the hour, so… you got any big rooms, I could kind of like wander around in? I won’t be a bother.

Minder: No.

Inspector: No? Huh. Well, can I use your restroom?

Minder: No way man. The last time an inspector used a restroom he was in the stall for like six hours.

Inspector: I finally had to leave because my feet started turning black.

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