Monday, December 13, 2004

World's Smallest Violin

From my Environmental Geography book (which, if you're ever chained inside of a white walled room for years on end, possibly by a jilted former lover, or a charismatic, but psychotic, cult leader known only as "The Illustrious," I would highly recommend it for reading):
In the monsoon forest of southern Asia, the teakwood tree was once abundant and was widely exported to the Western world to make furniture, paneling, and decking. Now this great tree is logged out, and the Indian elephant, once trained to carry out this work, is unemployed.
How can an Indian elephant be unemployed? That's just ridiculous. I mean, they literally work for peanuts. You think they could, I don't know, get jobs in the fast food business or something. For example, the McRib is back. If this thing doesn't contain Indian Elephant, evenin small amounts, I'll eat my hat (another common McRib ingredient).

update: Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
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A: Shoot it between the eyes with a high caliber rifle. They drop like a sack of soggy McRibs, I tell you.

update 2 (Now with gratuitous drug references!):

Take away his credit card? Are you serious? Are you on crack? You are on crack aren’t you? Dude, the redness is a dead giveaway. Use some eye-drops or something. And pants, man, those are vital.

Really, have you ever seen an elephant that looks like it could use, or would even in the first place possess, a credit card? Babar? Yeah, but he was more of a freaky manephant or something. And Dumbo? I mean, have you seen his credit rating? Fast and loose with money, that one. And flying with his ears? Whoa, pass the crackpipe.

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