Tuesday, July 04, 2006

A Not-So-Super Review

So, I saw the Superman movie today. A tour de force of utter banality. It wasn’t bad per se—the movie was well done technically and such—it was just boring. Incredibly boring. Man-of-steel-eating-a-large-bowl-of-pistachios-whilst-watching-a-Discovery-channel-special-on-leopard-seals boring.

And it was also just completely implausible. I don’t mean the part where Superman lifts a small continent into space—that was as real as one of Dave Chapelle’s trenchant comedic observations about white people. No, what beggars belief—and I know I’m not the first to point this out—is the inability of Louis Lane and the rest of the world to realize that Clark Kent is Superman. Seriously, all he does is take off his glasses, don a blue tight-suit and put a playful twirl in his bangs. The only explanation I’ve been able to come up with is that the world is too busy staring at the Man of Steel’s super-crouch to even chance a glimpse at his face. I half expected Superman to say “Hey, Lex Luther, I’m up here.”

But with Superman, its best not to gaze too deep. Because then you realize he’s just another Don Juan homewrecker from Krypton, who knocked up Louis Lane out-of-wedlock and has come back to seduce her from her faithful, caring fiancé, Richard. Plus, to give you another completely out-of-context example of Superman’s true nature, he sneaks into a boy’s room at night and kisses him. Seriously.

Like I said, the movie isn’t horrible—just horribly boring. The movie could’ve been a lot shorter—just start with the scene where Superman gets shot with a pistol, point blank, in the eye, and then…curtain. That I would’ve given, like, a frickin’ nebulae of stars. As it is, however, I rank it one dying Krypton, and a half eaten ham on white, no mayo, no mustard.

Just ham...plain old ham.

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